Friday, 21 December 2012

"I'm not like other girls"

These words blurted out of her mouth as if she had just reached a threshold of sudden clarity about herself; "I am not like the others." Okay, explain.

See it's hard to for me to take a self-diagnosis too seriously. Especially one that is void of any quantitative measures such as this. Is the person with the daily stories of depression, loneliness, or any other "I have problems--look at me" quotable, really that?  It's arguable that they are, but I'd say that has much more to do with the constant emotional and mental focus on it. Keep acting and thinking one way, and it's bound to spill over to real life and emotions. Ask Heath Ledger.

Now, I am going to make this vow to myself...quasi-publicly (depending on how may of you internetters take the time to read this (ps. ILoveYou)):  If anyone, man or woman, says, "I'm not like the others" in any type of romantic or intimate setting, I'm probably going to find the nearest exit. Quickly.

I've had four women say this to me in my life, at least memorably. And, probably unsurprisingly, it has always spilled out during the act of fellatio.

"Hey, before we go on, know I'm not like other girls." ... Right.

Usually they have all had the usual pre-bang of text's from the week before; stories of prior relationships and heartbreak (I couldn't give any fractions of a fuck about your baggage), general observations about how well we get along, and of course, the boner inducers.

Other times it's just meeting someone interesting at a bar or social setting. Regardless, when shit hits the fan (or clothing I guess) I am bound to hear it:

"I'm not like other girls"

The others...? "They just want sex. They only make you want sex. They revolve around sex"...and? This is usually answered by how she's not into one night stands, or simply looking for someone consistent, and understandably, us hooking up right now goes against these morals. But it usually happens anyways, and with little to no coaxing on my part ("Hey miss, it is up to you"). Now, for me at least, this is where my issues begin.

"I am not like other girls"

The mind is interesting. I'm pretty close to supporting the notion that anyone who has the ability to think linearly or consistently, is insane. Lately I've been feeling like Isaac Newton, experiencing and taking notes on the physics of sex and attraction. For each and every declaration of desires to even get to know someone, there is an equal and opposite action of "get and stay the fuck away from me". And usually these happen pretty close to each other. This type of relationship has happened to me four times, and there is one consistent to this:

"I am not like other girls"

It's like there's a valet attendant every time I let my fingers trickle south on a woman, saying "if you enter, be prepared to stay a while". Now I could say I'm not like most guys, but fuck that. This statement is music to my ears, or at the very least poetry. Being alone in intimacy for the majority of my life, I tend to jump at the opportunity to avoid walking home alone on a Saturday, and a girl who seems to want the same gets me giddy, almost.

"I'm not like other girls"

Now probably the trendiest aspect of my relationship with this phrase, is being abandoned by it almost immediately after it was spoken. Gone. These women, and maybe it's the way I pick them, but I can usually count on one night of sexishy stuff and then they're off. Lack of trust? Am I just bad at fucking? Or does this phrase in question really mean, "fuck me, then leave me alone and don't contact me"?

"I'm not like other girls"

I don't know. I'm not trying to write this from the perspective of some "woe-is-me", drunk and heartbroken kid. I'm more intrigued and just looking for understanding, or an explanation (any one of yuhs got an idea???). I feel the presence of these righteous IhateslutsbutfuckwhoIwant celebrity is very detrimental to any form of trust you can build with an intimate partner these days. Turn the dial to hot 97, and I would bet you can find any combination of songs talking about:

1. Everlasting love, and someone so special they got there own damn song written about them. Followed by,
2. "WE WANT BIG BOOTY BITCHES, BIG, BIG BOOTY BITCHES, SWIIIING"
          *Lyrics written by John, F Johansen. Get at me for some hot      
             shit.
3.  Some Taylor Swift song talking about how many times she's been left broken hearted by a scumbag guy, man stealing whoooore. Oh, on a side, I swear that woman just dumps guys for songwriting material.

This mainstream culture, which is slowly encompassing all (american) cultures, is probably leading to some generally assumptions that normal people, men or women, are fighting off sexual partners left and right. And since nobody actually is:

"I'm not like other girls"

Yes sex has always been taboo, it still is to a certain extent, and it always will be as long as words like slut, skeez, or whatever else bro-y asshole refer to women these days. But, for whatever notions we naturally develop of people who get it on often, our culture still perpetuates grandiose images and visions of sex. Trying to keep it a holy union between lovers, as well as something everyone wants to be surrounded by has us, as individuals, trapped in between.

Is sex a symbol of love? Or a legitimately fun, exciting, and healthy activity that can bring people close together physically, regardless of emotional connections?

I do not know. I never will. All I can really say is that it's beginning to become a lot easier for me to trust women who fit the description of a slut. Just cause I know how you feel on this issue, which will help me with my own indecision.

YOU'RE ALL LIKE EACH OTHER.
(edit: WE ARE ALL ALIKE.)

I remain,

John F. Johansen







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